The tapes, which Arnold claims were made during a recording of The Apprentice, supposedly capture Trump dropping the N-bomb more often than he lies about the economy. He says Trump is also heard dropping some C-bombs, as well as “calling his son a retard.” It is impossible to know which son he could be referring to.
Of course, the media had many questions. For instance, how did Tom Arnold wind up with these tapes? Can we see them? Who made the original recording? Can we see them? How would it influence Trump’s reelection chances? Can we see them? But despite being hammered by the press to elaborate on his claims, Arnold has never proved the existence of the evidence, always responding to requests with some variation of “Ehh, it won’t make any difference.”
It’s tempting to believe that he’s doing some kind of bit — Arnold is a comedian, after all. But every time he’s asked about the alleged tapes, he doubles down on both their authenticity and his absolute refusal to prove it. Most recently, on an episode of the Australian reality TV show I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, Arnold repeated the claim to another contestant, with additional details. He says that two days before the election, he got a phone call from Hillary Clinton herself, who begged him to release the tapes. She told him, “The weight of the free world is on your shoulders.” Hold on, that’s exactly the kind of corny dialogue that a character in True Lies would deliver. Does … does Tom Arnold think he’s still in True Lies?
Steven Seagal’s Entire Life Is Implausible
Steven Seagal has the tremendous honors of being both the silliest of B-movie action heroes and the one who takes himself the most seriously. He’s the only one to consistently refuse to appear in the Expendables movies because he considers everyone else in the films to be beneath him. And he’s absolutely right, because Seagal is the most amazing warrior in the world … if you were to believe a word of what he says.
According to Seagal himself, most of his life has been like the plot of an action movie so bad that it ironically couldn’t even get Seagal to play the main role. His tall tales start all the way back in the ’80s. Receiving his martial arts training in Japan as a young man, Seagal returned to the island to be the very first foreigner to ever run a dojo. That’s impressive on its own, but not impressive enough for a man like Seagal. During his time as a teacher, he claimed to have singlehandedly won a turf war against the Yakuza. In fact, he was such a legendary sensei that his students began worshiping him as a literal god, and so he ran off to Hollywood because “deification is a death trap.” Only a true master would realize that immortality does not lie in worship and respect, but in the two-for-one bargain bin at Blockbusters.
Grindstone Entertainment GroupTurns out godhood is way stupider than anyone couldve guessed.
Of course, the CIA neither confirms nor denies that Seagal ever worked for them (though you’ll get a similar answer if you ask them about contact with Martians), but legit CIA mercenary Gary Goldman heavily doubts his story. Goldman himself claims to have been on a rafting trip with Seagal, during which Seagal had to be rescued due to rough waters, during which he cried and panicked. According to Goldman, not only did he not believe that Seagal had ever been a secret agent, but he “would surely die of starvation if he was given a compass and a map that led to a restaurant five miles away.”